Again

I failed again today. I have failed many times in my life. My life is a series of failures, actually. Most of these failures are small, only noticed by me. They linger in my mind, creating ever growing piles of lapses in judgement, mistakes, utter humiliations, and lessons of what not to do. Some days, I look through these piles and feel ashamed of the things I have done, or scared that my loved-ones will find a way into this library of pain and see the real me. Finally illuminated for who I truly am, they will leave me one by one to find someone more of what they thought I was.

I succeded again today. I have succeded very little in my life. My life is a series of failures, highlighted by the bright dots of those successes. The bigger the success, the brighter the light. My successes keep me moving forward. Sometimes they are too small for anyone to see, but they give me hope for my future. Maybe someday I will match the expectations of my family and friends. That is a success that I look forward to every single day. My failures make the successes possible, an accelorant for the fire in my soul. The day may never come where I am what I want to be, but if it does, I will know it is because…
I failed again today.

©2020 Nancy Lehmann